Acceptance

I have been a stay-at-home mom for almost two weeks now, and there are a few things I have had to come to terms with:

1) My body is not the same as it was pre-pregnancy. While I am officially down to my pre-pregnancy weight, I am definitely not my pre-pregnancy shape. I was prepared for the changes in how I looked, but I was not expecting to feel so different. When I jog things jiggle that never have before, and I get tired way sooner than I think I should. As someone who thinks of herself as a runner, I am disappointed that I'm winded after jogging for 10 minutes in the middle of my daily walk with Lily. I need to remember that I was sedentary for almost three months and I need to go slow. On a more positive yet slightly demeaning note, on our walk today I got honked at for the first time in a very long while. I find that I am equal parts flattered and offended by this. It's good to know that I don't necessarily look like the lumpy sack of potatoes that I feel like sometimes.

2) The apartment will get unpacked eventually. Lily likes to nurse for comfort a lot, and won't accept a pacifier or tolerate being put down so I can't do a whole lot. She will sleep in the sling for about an hour in the morning before getting too fussy so that is pretty much my only chance to get things done. I have this compulsion to have the area around me be neat. I end up spending most of my "free" time straightening up, and then only have a little while to try to unpack. Joe has done a good job of helping me get the living room, dining room, bedroom and our bathroom mostly box free. But our office is still full of unopened boxes of stuff that belongs on shelves in the other rooms. By the time Joe gets home in the evenings, all we want to do is relax together and I am unwilling to sacrifice the little time we have together for unpacking. I'm just frustrated with not having everything put away and having everything feel only partly done.

3) I do not love being a stay-at-home mom. There, I said it. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm making a mistake. I am absolutely convinced that it is the right thing for our family right now and I am happy to do it. I definitely enjoy watching Lily grow and learn new things every day, having the time to go for long walks while the weather is nice, and being able to cook real food while Joe sits with Lily in the evening. I am having trouble filling the hours that I just sit with Lily nursing. I tried listening to the local NPR station, but I am sorely disappointed in their programming. It seems to be a lot of uninteresting filler and jazz. I hate jazz. Daytime broadcast TV is mind numbing, and I haven't mastered the one handed reading trick. I can type with one hand, but there's only so much time I'm willing to spend on the computer. So, I'm looking for suggestions of good books on tape/CD, good radio stations to stream through my laptop, or anything I can do with one hand (keep it clean people).

Writing this post has been more cathartic for me than usual. Somehow, writing about acceptance has helped bring it about some. It will take me a while, but I am settling into this new life and am looking forward to seeing how it turns out.