Woman + Baby

I've been reading a lot of random mommy-blogs recently. I enjoy reading what other women have to say about parenting, but I can't help but feel separate and apart from them. Since having Lily I have not morphed into an all-nuturing, self-sacrificing, uber compassionate earth mother. Sure I love this little girl, but that's not all there is. I still exist as a person separate and whole. My life has definitely changed, but only surficially so. I still do all the things I did before, cook, clean, exercise (sort of), read, write, make music, etc. Now I just do it all with a baby. And a little bit slower. 


I've been trying to write this post for a couple of days now, but I'm having trouble finding the right words. I don't want to sound like the girl who always claims she's different than everyone all of the time. I know there are other women out there who feel the same as me. Maybe my problem is that I'm comparing myself to a piece of writing that has been edited, stylized, and wraps up with a cute little lesson. 


And I'm horribly insecure about my abilities as a parent. After starting this post, Lily went through some sort of attention-mongering phase. At dinner, unless both Joe and I were gazing at her adoringly and she had a steady stream of food going into her mouth she would just yell. She wasn't crying, she wasn't wet, nothing was poking her, she was getting fed as fast as we could muster while we were trying to eat something ourselves, and she just wouldn't stop yelling. I thought to myself "why can't you just be quiet?!?!" and then felt immediately guilty. She's a baby, she has no real control over her actions. And since I was just writing about my non-mom-ness I suddenly felt like the worst parent in the world for not being more compassionate and tolerant. That sent me spiraling into a near anxiety attack that could only be alleviated by manic cleaning. Joe, awesome husband that he is, recognized this and amused Lily in another room for about an hour while I washed all the dishes from dinner, cleaned up the house in general, and managed to stop hyperventilating. 


By then, Lily had gotten over whatever was troubling her and was a smiling happy baby again. We all snuggled together on the couch to watch a movie. Lily fell asleep right away, and after the movie finished I was ready for bed as well. Anxiety attacks can really wipe you out. It was only like 8:30 and Joe was definitely not ready to sleep so he offered to hold Lily so I could go sleep alone for a few hours. It was glorious. I haven't had a whole bed to myself in a VERY long time. 


So, I have no idea what this post was about. I have no pithy conclusion today. I guess a picture of Lily looking sassy will have to do.