ABCs

Today we attended the mandatory orientation of the Alternative Birthing Center at West Suburban Hospital. Thankfully, we don't have to take another childbirth education class because having done it once you're considered qualified to have another. But, this was the one hoop we had to jump through, so we did it. 

It went about as expected. The rooms are big, without as much scary medical equipment as a regular Labor and Delivery Room, and there were lots of people asking questions about emergency C-sections. 

What was totally unexpected was my reaction to it all. I came pretty close to having a panic attack while just standing in the ABC room. Thoughts were racing through my head, with the most prominent being "Why am I touring this? I'll never get to use it. It's all going to go wrong just like last time." It's like I didn't even want to look at any of it or think about the possibility of actually delivering there because the best laid plans...

After the tour, everyone filed back into the classroom to listen to the instructor talk about what happens from the moment you walk into the hospital until you are discharged. It took about 15 minutes, but I eventually calmed down. Turns out West Sub is the only Chicago area hospital that is considered a room-in hospital (I think that's the term she used, I can't quite remember). That means that it is hospital policy for the baby to stay with the parents, in the room, unless it is medically necessary for the baby to go down the hall to the nursery. Even in the regular LDRs. This is different than at TMC, where we had Lily, and the policy is that every baby is taken away from the parents shortly after birth for about two hours for monitoring. (Note: this is not the policy of the Birth Center where we had hoped to deliver.) So that's a HUGE relief. Even though I slept through the two hours she was gone, I would have much preferred she stayed with us. 

I just re-read Lily's birth story trying to figure out what exactly it is I'm so worried about. Overall, things turned out great the first time. It wasn't exactly how we wanted it to be, but we all came out of it healthy and ready to be together. Then I remembered the feeling of not being in control of the situation. I don't know how much control one really has when bringing another person into the world, but I felt like I had none. Like decisions were being made for me without my even knowing there was a decision to be made. And that's what I don't want to happen again. Just sitting here now and writing about it my chest is getting a little tight and I'm angry about Carol. 

I'm suddenly feeling very not ready for this. Sure, there are two and a half more months before Lily's brother (!) comes, but I don't know. I feel like I'm ready to handle two of them, and I'm definitely ready to not be pregnant any longer, but I'm not ready for the actual process of having the baby. I'm not afraid of the delivery, per se, but everything that comes with it. The hospital setting, the monitors, the nurses, all the tubes and wires. Then there's all of the rigamarole with the insurance company on what they will (not much) and won't (lots) cover. It feels like it's going to be such a battle and I'm dreading it already. All I really want to do is go to a cozy little place with a labor ball, a tub and Joe, and come out together with another baby. Is that too much to ask?