When I was taking that Baby and Me yoga class last year I remember hearing some of the moms talking about situations where they felt like a Mama Bear, ready to protect their cub from whatever danger they sensed was nearby. I haven't really experienced that until today. There was no actual danger, but I am feeling awfully defensive.
Today Lily and I sat in on a parent-child class. About 15 minutes in I knew it wasn't going to be the kind of thing that I was going to sign up for, but we stuck it out for the full two hours. Mostly, things were okay. There was one mom and her 2.5 year old daughter Rachel (names have been changed to protect identities). The mom and daughter were wearing matching outfits. Rachel was pretty shy, and Lily, as we all know, is not. She ran right up and waved hello then tried to give her a hug. This was met with fear and shrinking away. I totally get that, not everyone is into being touched by strangers. So I helped Lily back off, and we went to go play with some toys.
Lily is VERY interested in playing with other kids. And she really likes to try to play with the same toys they are playing with. And she likes to take a close look at the toy before playing with it. Not that she wants to take them away and play with them herself, she really does want to play together. Unfortunately, this comes off as she's trying to be selfish. Rachel was playing with a certain doll, not hers, just a doll that was in the classroom. Lily came over to look at it and Rachel's mom says "Rachel is playing with this doll." So I brought over another doll for her to play with. That's fine, I get advocating for your kid. I also get not wanting to make your kid be the one who has to share all the time. This same scene happened repeatedly over the next half an hour. Personally, I think it was time for any other kid to get a chance to play with that doll, not just mine, but whatever. Let your kid monopolize the toy.
Lily is also very energetic. She's interested in EVERYTHING and wants to do it all. At one point Rachel's mom turns to me and says, "What sign is Lily?" It took me a second to realize she was asking about her horoscope. I had to admit that I didn't know. Her birthday is July 23rd, so that apparently makes her a Leo. Rachel's mom says "Oh, that makes sense, she's so rambunctious" and picks up her child and walks away to another part of the room. Really? She's a toddler. Of course she's rambunctious. Maybe your kid was a lump that just sat there and never wanted to run and jump and dance and be joyful, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with my daughter. They do say that laughter is contagious, but I don't think they mean that to be a bad thing.
Then at the end of class, Lily walked over to Rachel again. I was right there because clearly this was not going to go well. Lily reached out her hand to pat Rachel on the head, her way of saying 'I like you.' Rachel, surprisingly, was ok with this. Sadly, Lily's hand then got tangled in Rachel's hair and when she tried to move away she pulled her hair a teeny bit. Rachel was fine. Let me stress this. The child was still calm, not upset, not crying, not in pain, it really was just a little tiny tug. And I reached out to catch her hand as soon as I could to try to help her untangle it. Rachel's mom grabbed her wrist first and basically shouted at her "Let go right now." This seemed a little harsh to me. Lily didn't do it on purpose. It was everything in me to not snap back "Get your hand off my kid." I think all kids deserve patience and compassion. Other kids have pulled Lily's hair before, it happens. And I've NEVER yelled at another child, let alone grab them.
I feel so conflicted. Part of me is definitely feeling Mama Bear defensive about Lily. She is a happy, joyful, inquisitive, kind child. She wants to be friends with everyone and the way she shows that is by trying to hold hands and hug. She has a lot of energy but she's not overly destructive or out of control. She is imaginative and creative. So no, Rachel's mom, I'm not sorry that my kid was trying to make your kid feel included. And the other part of me feels terribly insecure and unsure. I left that class just about in tears. It's been a long time since I've been made to feel so small by another person. I could feel the loathing oozing from Rachel's mom. I don't know why it's bothering me so much. I'm never going to see her again, but I still want her to think that I'm not a bad parent, that Lily's not a bad kid.
Sigh, I don't know. Some days I feel like I'm doing it all wrong.
9 hours ago
What an awful experience for you both. There's something wrong with a mom who has to classify everyone and then respond according to some preconceived idea. I think you handled everything very well. You acted in a way that supported Lily without responding in kind to this way-over-the-top mom.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. Unfortunately I've had my handful of incidents like that. As you know Ainsley is also quite rambunctious, social, interested, excited. Last summer I remember in particular an incident when she was playing in the sanbox and an older boy tried to take her toy away so she threw sand in his face. He just rubbed it off and moved away but his mom raced over and scowled and both me and Ainsley, doting on her son who was FINE and was in the wrong in the first place for stealing a toy from a way younger kid. I'm relearning this year how to react at the park to other similar instances, mostly I feel bad for kids like "rachel" who have parents that don't let them fend for themselves. So much of growing up is learning how to be social, how to share and deal with compromise and dissapointment, even a few hair tugs and shoves here and there. Sounds like you did a great job standing your ground. I hope you never feel the need to apologize because Lily is great and the mom is honestly probably just insecure about herself and her wallflower child.
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