Resolution Check-In 11: Non-Stress

1) Exercise for 20 minutes per day. Hahahahahahahahahaha. This makes me laugh a lot. This past month has been rough. We still walk about a mile a day, but other than that and normal household tasks (cleaning, laundry, mandatory dance sessions with Lily) I'm just too tired and too uncomfortable to do much else. However, if you add up the minutes I walk and the minutes I dance, it is probably more than 20 total for each day. So I will call that success.    

2) Send one letter per week. Another fail. I can't think of a single letter I sent this month.      

3) Bake and decorate one thing outside of work per month. Lily and I have been doing a lot of baking in the past couple of weeks just as a way to pass the time. Also, we celebrated my mother-in-law's birthday last weekend (early, just in case, turns out we didn't need to worry about that at all) so Lily and I made and decorated a cake for her. I managed to not document it at all. So, another partial fail. It was a red velvet cake with nutella filling and cream cheese frosting. I had some large candy dots that were just begging to be turned into polka dots on a cake, so I had Lily help me put them all over. She picked out each color, where it was going to go, and even put it on. The end result was less than perfect, and the cake decorator in me cringed a bit every time she smeared her fingers in the perfectly smooth icing I had just finished putting on, but she had a blast and was super proud of it. And hearing her sing 'Happy Birthday' is just about the cutest thing ever. 

4) Stop comparing myself to other moms. Blah. I am definitely not being the kind of mom I want to be to Lily lately. We watch way too much TV just because I'm too tired and uncomfortable to do much else. I find myself getting annoyed with her way too easily, through no fault of her own. She just wants her mama to play with her and all I want to do is sit and wallow in self-pity. 

This morning was the first round of post-date testing. I had to sit in a chair strapped to a monitor for about half an hour this morning to see if the baby is still healthy enough to wait for a spontaneous labor. So far, so good. But it was really giving me anxiety about being induced again. I'm so worried about being tethered to a bed again when delivering. I just don't think I could face it. 

After the non-stress test I had a regular appointment with one of the midwives. Every night for the past week or so, sometime between 1 and 5AM, I've been having regular contractions about every 15 minutes. Real, honest to goodness contractions, not just Braxton-Hicks. But after a couple of hours they just go away. This morning though, they started  around 5 and continued until we got in the car to drive to the appointment at 8. Things just felt different. I was so sure she was going to tell me things had progressed a ton and I would probably deliver today. I don't know why I felt that way, I just did. I felt ready, like it was time, for real. But no. Still only 1.5 cm dilated. I almost burst into tears in the office. Really? After 4 days of doing everything I can only another half a centimeter? I was crushed. That's not even really enough to have your membranes truly swept. She did what she could and I made another appointment for Monday. 

On top of anxiety about having to be medically induced, Joe starts finals on Monday. He keeps telling me not to worry about it, but I feel like I'm just adding more stress to him as well. It feels like I'm doing something wrong by not being able to get this done in a timely manner for him. Yes, I realize this is insane. But I can't help feeling like if he does less than perfect on these tests it will be directly my fault. 

On a completely random note, does anyone else think the Jane Seymour Open Hearts necklace looks like a snake waiting to strike? That's all I can think of when I see those sappy commercials. 

Due

So today is the official due date, December 4th, 2012. So far, no signs of anything really. I don't know why, but I was convinced this baby boy was going to come early. That's pretty silly, if you think about it. Lily was induced at 39 weeks and 3 days, so clearly I should have expected to go at least that far. I was just being hopeful that for convenience's sake the new one would come early. 

Yesterday at the appointment, the midwife checked and I'm all of 1 cm dilated. That means absolutely nothing. Apparently as a second time mom you can be that dilated for your entire pregnancy if anyone bothered to check.  Previously, I had been really worried about having pre-eclampsia again. Well, it's most likely that won't happen again. My blood pressure has been super low and consistent, there's little to no swelling, and my kidneys are functioning perfectly. As of tomorrow, I officially enter the real of post-date pregnancy which brings with it a whole new set of worries. 

Turns out I am absolutely terrified of being medically induced again. If I have to be induced I have to use a regular labor and delivery room, and basically it will be just like last time, which I really don't want. At the end of this week I have to go in for my first non-stress-test (which has to be the most poorly named test EVER) to make sure that the baby is not in distress and it's ok to just keep rolling along. I also have the opportunity to have my membranes swept (I'll spare you the details, basically it's a simple procedure that might help get things going). 

I've been thinking about this a lot. I even put up a facebook quandary about it that many people responded to. After talking to one of the midwives about it pretty extensively, I've decided to go ahead and do it at my next appointment on Friday, if I make it that long. (All signs point to yes.) If there's any chance that it means that I don't have to be medically induced, I am willing to try it. And again and again and again. Because apparently doing it once is not really effective, but doing it every few days can mean the difference between spontaneous and induced labor. Although, truthfully, I'm a little confused how it's still considered 'spontaneous' if you've basically been enraging the baby every couple of days, but whatever. I'll take it if it means I can use the Alternative Birth Center. 

I know I shouldn't be freaking out as much as I am. There are two whole weeks before medical induction becomes necessary, and there are lots of other things I can try, too. I'm taking evening primrose oil, drinking red raspberry leaf tea, and walking some. If I walk too much it just makes me tired and prevents me from sleeping because my hips hurt. 

I'm having a hard time filling the hours with Lily. I don't want to venture too far from home in case something happens, but I also don't want to just stay inside baking/cleaning/watching TV (which has been happening way too much lately). We're still going to our classes, and I try to take her to the park or something fun outside each day for a little bit. This weather is so nice, but I think it would be easier if it were cold. I would feel less guilty about being inside. I have several Christmas projects that need work on, but I'm having trouble getting things done with Lily around. She wants to be part of everything, and some of the things I'm making she just can't help with and she refuses to be distracted by anything else. 

Sigh, so I'm just feeling frustrated, tired, uncomfortable, and ready to be done. I know you're not supposed to complain about being pregnant because there are many women who would give anything to have these complaints. But I just can't help it. And I can't think of anything worse than being pregnant right now. Except being pregnant and Kate Middleton.