Sleeping like a baby?

Whoever came up with that phrase clearly never had children. 


Last week was absolutely glorious. Spring arrived, I was productive, things were going great. By Friday I was all set to write a cheery I-love-my-life post and then everything fell apart. 


The past five days have been the some of the worst I've had in a very long time. Friday evening Lily went on a nursing strike. This doesn't sound like a big deal as I write it, but it completely turned our lives upside down. Lily has always been a huge comfort nurser. If things get a little too exciting during a round of peek-a-boo she likes to nurse for a few minutes to chill out. If we're in a room full of babies for more than 15 minutes she gets overwhelmed and wants to nurse. If she's bored, she wants to nurse. You get the picture. But even more importantly, she nurses to go to sleep and to stay asleep. So no nursing means no sleeping. 


I know what you're thinking, well it's your own fault for letting her develop that habit. I don't really have a good retort to that because it is. But I do have a defense for making that choice. Lily had a really hard time gaining weight when she was a newborn and our pediatrician suggested that she sleep in bed with us so that she could nurse as often and as long as she wanted. (I miss you Dr. Callie!) We were planning on doing that anyway, but it was nice to have "permission" from the doctor. I had been sitting up with her nursing for hours at a time. The longest stretch was 12 hours. She would fall asleep and then immediately wake up if she stopped nursing. So we figured out how to nurse lying down. That way I could sleep while she was sleeping/nursing. It was amazing. And it kept working. We were getting regular sleep, Lily was growing, life was good. 


We figured if it ain't broke, don't fix it. This was working for us, why should we try to change it just for the sake of change? By 6 months she was becoming a more "normal" sleeper in that she would still nurse to fall asleep, but then stop and roll over to sleep on her own for up to 6 hours at a time. Also, she was such a good nurser I wasn't concerned about taking her anywhere because I knew that if she got upset I could just nurse her for a bit and she'd be good to go.  


So this nursing strike really hit us hard. After 2 nights of barely sleeping, driving and walking for hours to get her to sleep, she was at least able to sleep for 6 hours at a time at night again. I was surprised by how much this affected me emotionally. After having such a good few months of nursing, all the insecurities of how hard it was when we first started came rushing back. I felt inadequate and inept. I didn't know how to calm my daughter, I was exhausted, and I hated being a slave to the pump. I felt completely trapped in the apartment because I was afraid to go anywhere with her if she got upset, and anytime she was calm enough to be happy on her own I needed to be pumping. It was like starting all over with a newborn again, except this time I was pretty much on my own. 


I basically spent four days in tears and super stressed out. Why is breastfeeding so hard? Monkeys manage to do it and they don't need support groups, lactation consultants, or herbal supplements. What about our 2% genetic difference makes it easier for them? On Wednesday I went to a breastfeeding support group to see if they could offer any help. Not so much, but it was nice to talk to some other moms and be out of the house. The LC said it was unlikely that she's ready to wean because she's less than 12 months old, so I should just keep trying. Driving home I decided that it was going to be ok. Lily was adjusting to the whole not nursing thing, she was happy, she was still gaining weight, I would pump as much as I could and supplement with formula as needed, and things would be fine. When we got home she played on the floor for a while, and then made her usual signs that she wanted to nurse, and she did. Just like nothing had happened at all. I don't know if it was her seeing other babies doing it and remembering that oh yeah, I like that or the fact that I had finally calmed down and wasn't so tense. Whatever it was, I was so relieved. 


So what did we learn from all this? 1) I think Lily might be ready for some space of her own. She really likes to sprawl out when she sleeps, and sometimes she goes into torpedo mode and spins and spins and spins in her sleep. So we're going to get a crib this weekend and sidecar it to our bed so she can have some more room. 2) We have to work on napping. I'm going to start a more regular nap routine, similar to bed time, as opposed to just hanging out on the couch. Finally, 3) Lily will eventually stop nursing. And it will be ok. 


Now we're both off to take a nap and get caught up on some of the sleep we've been doing without. Sweet dreams!