Resolution Check-In 11: Non-Stress

1) Exercise for 20 minutes per day. Hahahahahahahahahaha. This makes me laugh a lot. This past month has been rough. We still walk about a mile a day, but other than that and normal household tasks (cleaning, laundry, mandatory dance sessions with Lily) I'm just too tired and too uncomfortable to do much else. However, if you add up the minutes I walk and the minutes I dance, it is probably more than 20 total for each day. So I will call that success.    

2) Send one letter per week. Another fail. I can't think of a single letter I sent this month.      

3) Bake and decorate one thing outside of work per month. Lily and I have been doing a lot of baking in the past couple of weeks just as a way to pass the time. Also, we celebrated my mother-in-law's birthday last weekend (early, just in case, turns out we didn't need to worry about that at all) so Lily and I made and decorated a cake for her. I managed to not document it at all. So, another partial fail. It was a red velvet cake with nutella filling and cream cheese frosting. I had some large candy dots that were just begging to be turned into polka dots on a cake, so I had Lily help me put them all over. She picked out each color, where it was going to go, and even put it on. The end result was less than perfect, and the cake decorator in me cringed a bit every time she smeared her fingers in the perfectly smooth icing I had just finished putting on, but she had a blast and was super proud of it. And hearing her sing 'Happy Birthday' is just about the cutest thing ever. 

4) Stop comparing myself to other moms. Blah. I am definitely not being the kind of mom I want to be to Lily lately. We watch way too much TV just because I'm too tired and uncomfortable to do much else. I find myself getting annoyed with her way too easily, through no fault of her own. She just wants her mama to play with her and all I want to do is sit and wallow in self-pity. 

This morning was the first round of post-date testing. I had to sit in a chair strapped to a monitor for about half an hour this morning to see if the baby is still healthy enough to wait for a spontaneous labor. So far, so good. But it was really giving me anxiety about being induced again. I'm so worried about being tethered to a bed again when delivering. I just don't think I could face it. 

After the non-stress test I had a regular appointment with one of the midwives. Every night for the past week or so, sometime between 1 and 5AM, I've been having regular contractions about every 15 minutes. Real, honest to goodness contractions, not just Braxton-Hicks. But after a couple of hours they just go away. This morning though, they started  around 5 and continued until we got in the car to drive to the appointment at 8. Things just felt different. I was so sure she was going to tell me things had progressed a ton and I would probably deliver today. I don't know why I felt that way, I just did. I felt ready, like it was time, for real. But no. Still only 1.5 cm dilated. I almost burst into tears in the office. Really? After 4 days of doing everything I can only another half a centimeter? I was crushed. That's not even really enough to have your membranes truly swept. She did what she could and I made another appointment for Monday. 

On top of anxiety about having to be medically induced, Joe starts finals on Monday. He keeps telling me not to worry about it, but I feel like I'm just adding more stress to him as well. It feels like I'm doing something wrong by not being able to get this done in a timely manner for him. Yes, I realize this is insane. But I can't help feeling like if he does less than perfect on these tests it will be directly my fault. 

On a completely random note, does anyone else think the Jane Seymour Open Hearts necklace looks like a snake waiting to strike? That's all I can think of when I see those sappy commercials.